Family & the Waiting

Family
I don't see my family much living so far away from Kentucky
But I'm visited by them frequently in dreams

Just last night my Aunt H visited
My history with Aunt H is long and sordid
It gets ugly, then even uglier
One of the chief abusers of my childhood was her son E
For a very long time I believed that H knew her son was abusing me
Knew and did nothing to stop it
As part of my healing process I wrote her a letter
As you can imagine a pretty rancid letter

This past summer the weight of carrying
The hatred
The anger
At my Aunt H
Was something that I choose no longer to do
I knew in my heart that no matter what had occurred
I would always love my Aunt H
E's admission of guilt was not something that I needed to be concerned with any longer

Yet here I am
Still having nightmares
Still allowing letters from quack therapists to send me into deep depressions
How much more is there to learn from this dysfuction that I called childhood?
Is moving on a possibility?
The waiting is the hardest thing of all.

Today

Today is a new day
I can breathe without that awful sigh getting in the way
My eyes can see the world around me without that shroud of black

I hold no illusions that tomorrow will be a better day
I will hold today for what it is
Without reservations
Without expectations

tinest of hope

It's stopped raining
there isn't any sunshine
but in my heart I feel just the tinest of hope

I called my doctor's office yestereday, total crisis mode
They gave me an increased dosage of Xanax for the anxiety
So I slept, and slept and then slept somemore to balance it all off

Today for some reason I keep saying hello to the walls as I walk into them
But it's better, I can actually think about something other than Dr. Devil

My mother phoned, was an interesting conversation trying to explain
what was going on without detailing things that might make her sqirum

Maybe today I will shower and go out and face the world
At least that's what I think I would like to do ... I think.

Respite

A
Day
of
Silence

Unhurriedly

rain splatters against the earth
if the heart could liberate tears like that rain

broken and bleeding
it should be easy to leave this place

skin ripped from the body
muscle exposed
rotting in spots

eyes fluttering
whispers of agony drift from the depths
despair heavy in the blood stanched air

yet the fragile mind remains
to replay the images
that lead to this place

buried beneath the earth
fresh air spent
the broken and bleeding heart
persists to beat unhurriedly

Untitled

i am dyinG
little by littlE
i can feel myself slipping awaY

be it a combination of drugs and paiN
or the immense sorrow at bearing another daY
i will cease at some poinT

i am unsurE
how it will happeN
when it will happeN
but it approacheS

the anguish iS
like a cancer swelling in my souL
it emanates from my abdomeN
enveloping my complete beinG

the grounding lines
i have gripped so lonG
have disappeareD
i have ceased to flail abouT

choice is no longer minE
submitting to will is not my choicE
it is what it iS

perhaps in the darkness to comE
the escape I have sought so lonG
will become minE

a conscious mind no longer awarE
memories of the past losT
no awareness of the presenT
no troubling fears for the futurE

all the people forgotteN
faces and actions simply eraseD
caught inside the minD
opened so casually and spilt into the graynesS

The Smiling Devil Therapist

Smiling Devil, Ph.D., Ms.D., RM., LCSW., LICSW., CCBT.
Somewhere, USA

Come in
Sit down
I'll set the appointment with you, if you're late I'll charge you
If I'm late that's your loss
I'll arrive, no apology
Push a tablet of papers at you
If you take time to read the papers I'll have to charge
So just sign, okay?

In our time together
I'll laugh when you tell me about your twisted childhood
I'll lack sympathy for the devastation your mother caused
I'll tell you to buck up
The world is what you make of it
Oh yes, call me Dr. Devil ... I have a Ph.D

Tell me your addiction
Whisper it, we can work on it
"Oh that's your addiction ... you go girl."
Said while I laugh at you

I want my money
NOW
I KNOW your insurance plan, not you
You simple crazy fat man
$1,000 a month from the government?
That's plenty for you to live on
Pay my fee NOW

I'll call you
Tell you pay my bill or they'll take your car away
They'll cancel your insurance policy
You'll regret this

I'm going to a collection agency with this
You'll have to pay more
Got your pitiful letter you simple crazy fat man
$25.00 a month to pay off your $600 bill?
NO
It's all or nothing

I sent you an email
I want MY money
I want it NOW
And I will use info disclosed in your sessions to get it
I suggest that you stop using your resources on your
addition as you previously disclosed and that you pay
your account off.


Trust
such a simple word
but so easy to violate

Betrayal
once broken can it ever be
repaired?

Time Lost

When hope is lost, what is left?
Forgotten memories of dreams left undone
Gratification in life without meaning

When hope is lost, what is left?
A shell without tomorrow
Another day the same as the day before

When hope is lost, what is left?
Contentment with the same
Withdrawal into the known

When hope is lost, what is left?
Missing words to questions
Pretense for their sakes

When hope is lost, what is left?
Belief merely in the history of years gone by
Trapped in a fog of recollections

When hope is lost, what is left?
A fragile soul
Cracked and bleeding for eyes unseen

When hope is lost, what is left?
The long wait
An inevitable end.

Lithium & Paxil

What's it like to forget to take psychiatric meds?

• Dizziness
• Brain freeze (i.e., imagine moving your head and it taking awhile for your brain to catch up)
• Heart palpitation
• Ear Ringing
• Insomnia
• Dreaming

What kind of dreams do I have when I forget my meds?

• I need massive amounts of water ... Poland Spring Water to be exact.
• My mother and I have a coherent conversation about my life!!!
• My partner David and I vacation at a Grecian style hotel where there is a huge pool encircling and flowing through the room. Our visit is cut short by the arrival of the Polka Music King and Queen (?)
  
• I find a kitten, a beautiful little kitten that someone has taken a knife to, her genitals have been butchered. The bleeding kitten dies in my hands.

I take the meds faithfully, except on the rare occasion that I forget. Do I believe that the Lithium helps with the bipolar? I suppose, the medical professionals tell me it does, David tells me there has been a change. Yet these same med people tell me that even with Lithium I will experience bouts with the bipolar. Sometimes I wonder if Tom Cruise knows what he is talking about.

Haunted

Words by: POE
From the Album: Haunted

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...
Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Don't cry,
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways... always

I'll always love you
I'll always need you
I'll always want you

And I will always miss you

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
(By the promises I've made)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

Ba da pa pa...

Father :
What is it Annie?

Daughter :
You think I'll cry? I won't cry!
My heart will break before I cry!
I will go mad.


Sometimes, no matter how hard I try
The past continues to snap at my heels
Forgiveness I've given to them
Cannot extend it to myself
I try to hold on to hope
That someday I will be whole
Today it doesn't feel so close.

Developing a personal style?

9^th Grade

Never wore the right clothes
Didn’t even know there were right clothes
Just invaded my father’s closet
Wore whatever I could find

Memories of a mid-year shopping trip to Rinks with my mother
Picking out overalls
My eyes sparkled
That would be my style

10^th Grade

I suppose my “style” had changed
No idea
Think I wore sweaters all the time

I remember watching him
That popular boy
Floating from table to table in the cafeteria
Ease and confidence

If I could only get that
Ease and confidence
Like a shining beacon it came to me
I knew how
It’s my clothes
Change my personal style

11^th Grade

I had the shoes
Nike leather with red stripe
Levi jeans
Izod pink

First day of school
Wear my new clothes
I will get noticed and loved

Perspiration is an awful thing
It’s awful brother sweat is even worse
The pink Izod turned a dark purple
Someone told me it looked like I took a shower
I never wore that Izod again