So, this is the 3rd time I've tried to start this post. My words are just not expressing what I need to say.
I feel like I am on THE journey again. A former therapist wisely told me that the role of therapy is to return one to the person they were meant to be. At the time that she shared this pearl of wisdom it helped me to keep a perspective on what or what not to expect in therapy. Somewhere, along the way I lost that perspective. For awhile grief over the move to Connecticut overshadowed everything and actually enveloped me. I began to believe that with the right drug cocktail or therapist everything would be "taken care." While waiting for this miraculous recovery I lost hope ... hope for my future. Now two years later I realize how self victimizing these beliefs were.
This week I feel like I am coming out of a void. I realize that there is NO magic drug or all-knowing therapist that will suddenly make me better (whatever better is.) The decision to change is in my hands ... only I have the power to cause change to happen. I must live in the present ... choose to live in this day.
Letting go of the past is so much more than just protecting the ghosts of abuse, it's realizing that the thought processes learned for survival are no longer needed. I have outgrown that self hating, guilt riddled broken person. I am born anew and I choose it.
And yes, most of these words are taken directly from conversations with a therapist. But they are wonderful healing words ... releasing words actually.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
The Day After Thoughts
The day after Thanksgiving
Last night David and I talked about memories from childhood surrounding Thanksgiving. Surprisingly, neither of us have very clear memories.
One memory though was at my Aunt F's home. There were tons of kids my age and we all got to sit at the big table. I have a picture from that event somewhere. There was such a tremendous feeling of being loved. I always felt that in my Aunt F's house. She was a fierce protector of her daughters, so whenever I was around her I felt safe.
This year I ruined the Thanksgiving holiday for David. It was MY decision to go out. It was MY decision to go to the Casino and the buffet. Sitting at the dinner table in a throng of strangers it was like a veil was lifted ... I had been selfish and unfair to him ... dinner at the Casino was wrong for him. There is a time and place for everything, and this time in my unending quest of self-loathing I forgot about David.
Now, I have to wonder how many thousands of other ways I am being unfair to him. This whole journey has been unfair to him yet he stays. If I truly have anything to be thankful for this holiday it is David. His qualities are far to many to try and list here so I'll just leave it at he is an amazing man.
Last night David and I talked about memories from childhood surrounding Thanksgiving. Surprisingly, neither of us have very clear memories.
One memory though was at my Aunt F's home. There were tons of kids my age and we all got to sit at the big table. I have a picture from that event somewhere. There was such a tremendous feeling of being loved. I always felt that in my Aunt F's house. She was a fierce protector of her daughters, so whenever I was around her I felt safe.
This year I ruined the Thanksgiving holiday for David. It was MY decision to go out. It was MY decision to go to the Casino and the buffet. Sitting at the dinner table in a throng of strangers it was like a veil was lifted ... I had been selfish and unfair to him ... dinner at the Casino was wrong for him. There is a time and place for everything, and this time in my unending quest of self-loathing I forgot about David.
Now, I have to wonder how many thousands of other ways I am being unfair to him. This whole journey has been unfair to him yet he stays. If I truly have anything to be thankful for this holiday it is David. His qualities are far to many to try and list here so I'll just leave it at he is an amazing man.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Thanksgiving and grief
This year I am back to a familiar place
A place where I would rather forget this holiday
It feels so bogus
Dysfunction haunts the depths of my soul
No matter how hard we try
Cannot create and honor a tradition
We've cooked, big Martha Stewart meals with friends
Small meals for just two
But it just never remains true
My mind ruminates on
the sorrow
the loss
what will never be
that familiar grief.
A place where I would rather forget this holiday
It feels so bogus
Dysfunction haunts the depths of my soul
No matter how hard we try
Cannot create and honor a tradition
We've cooked, big Martha Stewart meals with friends
Small meals for just two
But it just never remains true
My mind ruminates on
the sorrow
the loss
what will never be
that familiar grief.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Two weeks, dirt walls & a victim
It'll be two weeks tomorrow since I last went to therapy.
For the first three years of this process I saw a therapist in Maine. She was one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. She was there with me through the darkest times, teaching me to release memories that had trapped me for years. With her I was able to take steps never available to me before. I was able to scream in anger at my mistreating, cry for the lost childhood and acknowledge that I was a worthwhile being on this planet.
Two years ago, my partner was offered a job here in Connecticut and I agreed that it was the right decision for us. For the first 9 months I would travel to Maine twice a month to visit my therapist and psychiatrist. Of course a 7 hour drive got to be too much over time. So, I began the search for a therapist here in Connecticut.
If you go back a few listings on this blog you'll read about my first Connecticut therapist The Smiling Devil Therapist later I found the current one. I have to admit I feel abused often after session. It seems that I am working on someone else's time table. Almost as though there are timed milestones I have to meet. Control of my process is no longer mine.
These past two weeks I have been saying how tired I am of everything ... literally everything. My other favorite mantra has been that I don't care ... I just don't care about, well anything.
Today, as I sit alone in a house chilled by the November winds I face the deep dirt walls that have sprung up around me. Did I create this trap for myself? Will I always remain a victim? Even to myself?
For the first three years of this process I saw a therapist in Maine. She was one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. She was there with me through the darkest times, teaching me to release memories that had trapped me for years. With her I was able to take steps never available to me before. I was able to scream in anger at my mistreating, cry for the lost childhood and acknowledge that I was a worthwhile being on this planet.
Two years ago, my partner was offered a job here in Connecticut and I agreed that it was the right decision for us. For the first 9 months I would travel to Maine twice a month to visit my therapist and psychiatrist. Of course a 7 hour drive got to be too much over time. So, I began the search for a therapist here in Connecticut.
If you go back a few listings on this blog you'll read about my first Connecticut therapist The Smiling Devil Therapist later I found the current one. I have to admit I feel abused often after session. It seems that I am working on someone else's time table. Almost as though there are timed milestones I have to meet. Control of my process is no longer mine.
These past two weeks I have been saying how tired I am of everything ... literally everything. My other favorite mantra has been that I don't care ... I just don't care about, well anything.
Today, as I sit alone in a house chilled by the November winds I face the deep dirt walls that have sprung up around me. Did I create this trap for myself? Will I always remain a victim? Even to myself?
Saturday, November 12, 2005
I Shall Believe
Not sure who this is to
Suppose it doesn't really matter
Touches my soul
So many ways
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
Would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
Lyrics by Sheryl Crow, Bill Bottrell
Suppose it doesn't really matter
Touches my soul
So many ways
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
Would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
Lyrics by Sheryl Crow, Bill Bottrell
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Anger
Day of anger
Red face burning anger
Can't cool down
Twisted turned inside out
Too many failed attempts
Arms morphing into flames
Keep them at bay
Images of fire
Burning vision
Heart blackened
Ash blowing away
Sorrow long gone
Little doll with pin filled eyes
Stabbed like daggers
Punishing them for a change
Opened
A volcanic eruption
Bloody red
Flowing without end
Hunted down
Halted in their steps
Scorched and burned
Red faced anger
Can't cool down
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Yearning
When is the right time to let go of secrets?
I have been vocal throughout my recovery about who abused me.
But I have also omitted one particular name.
It's a significant name.
Why protect someone who ...
Hurt?
Used?
Coerced?
Tossed me away like used trash?
Hated me for his actions?
I could go on forever.
Today, someone important to me asked pointedly who the others were?
I don't know what to say.
People will be hurt.
But why is it still my job to protect?
What lie within myself am I perpetuating with this secret?
Is this one of the reasons that I am stuck?
Unable to let go of the past and move on?
In huddling over this nasty secret I think I am betraying myself.
I yearn to believe that I am worthy of a healthier life than that.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Family & the Waiting
Family
I don't see my family much living so far away from Kentucky
But I'm visited by them frequently in dreams
Just last night my Aunt H visited
My history with Aunt H is long and sordid
It gets ugly, then even uglier
One of the chief abusers of my childhood was her son E
For a very long time I believed that H knew her son was abusing me
Knew and did nothing to stop it
As part of my healing process I wrote her a letter
As you can imagine a pretty rancid letter
This past summer the weight of carrying
The hatred
The anger
At my Aunt H
Was something that I choose no longer to do
I knew in my heart that no matter what had occurred
I would always love my Aunt H
E's admission of guilt was not something that I needed to be concerned with any longer
Yet here I am
Still having nightmares
Still allowing letters from quack therapists to send me into deep depressions
How much more is there to learn from this dysfuction that I called childhood?
Is moving on a possibility?
The waiting is the hardest thing of all.
I don't see my family much living so far away from Kentucky
But I'm visited by them frequently in dreams
Just last night my Aunt H visited
My history with Aunt H is long and sordid
It gets ugly, then even uglier
One of the chief abusers of my childhood was her son E
For a very long time I believed that H knew her son was abusing me
Knew and did nothing to stop it
As part of my healing process I wrote her a letter
As you can imagine a pretty rancid letter
This past summer the weight of carrying
The hatred
The anger
At my Aunt H
Was something that I choose no longer to do
I knew in my heart that no matter what had occurred
I would always love my Aunt H
E's admission of guilt was not something that I needed to be concerned with any longer
Yet here I am
Still having nightmares
Still allowing letters from quack therapists to send me into deep depressions
How much more is there to learn from this dysfuction that I called childhood?
Is moving on a possibility?
The waiting is the hardest thing of all.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Today
Today is a new day
I can breathe without that awful sigh getting in the way
My eyes can see the world around me without that shroud of black
I hold no illusions that tomorrow will be a better day
I will hold today for what it is
Without reservations
Without expectations
I can breathe without that awful sigh getting in the way
My eyes can see the world around me without that shroud of black
I hold no illusions that tomorrow will be a better day
I will hold today for what it is
Without reservations
Without expectations
Friday, October 28, 2005
tinest of hope
It's stopped raining
there isn't any sunshine
but in my heart I feel just the tinest of hope
I called my doctor's office yestereday, total crisis mode
They gave me an increased dosage of Xanax for the anxiety
So I slept, and slept and then slept somemore to balance it all off
Today for some reason I keep saying hello to the walls as I walk into them
But it's better, I can actually think about something other than Dr. Devil
My mother phoned, was an interesting conversation trying to explain
what was going on without detailing things that might make her sqirum
Maybe today I will shower and go out and face the world
At least that's what I think I would like to do ... I think.
there isn't any sunshine
but in my heart I feel just the tinest of hope
I called my doctor's office yestereday, total crisis mode
They gave me an increased dosage of Xanax for the anxiety
So I slept, and slept and then slept somemore to balance it all off
Today for some reason I keep saying hello to the walls as I walk into them
But it's better, I can actually think about something other than Dr. Devil
My mother phoned, was an interesting conversation trying to explain
what was going on without detailing things that might make her sqirum
Maybe today I will shower and go out and face the world
At least that's what I think I would like to do ... I think.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Unhurriedly
rain splatters against the earth
if the heart could liberate tears like that rain
broken and bleeding
it should be easy to leave this place
skin ripped from the body
muscle exposed
rotting in spots
eyes fluttering
whispers of agony drift from the depths
despair heavy in the blood stanched air
yet the fragile mind remains
to replay the images
that lead to this place
buried beneath the earth
fresh air spent
the broken and bleeding heart
persists to beat unhurriedly
Monday, October 24, 2005
Untitled
i am dyinG
little by littlE
i can feel myself slipping awaY
be it a combination of drugs and paiN
or the immense sorrow at bearing another daY
i will cease at some poinT
i am unsurE
how it will happeN
when it will happeN
but it approacheS
the anguish iS
like a cancer swelling in my souL
it emanates from my abdomeN
enveloping my complete beinG
the grounding lines
i have gripped so lonG
have disappeareD
i have ceased to flail abouT
choice is no longer minE
submitting to will is not my choicE
it is what it iS
perhaps in the darkness to comE
the escape I have sought so lonG
will become minE
a conscious mind no longer awarE
memories of the past losT
no awareness of the presenT
no troubling fears for the futurE
all the people forgotteN
faces and actions simply eraseD
caught inside the minD
opened so casually and spilt into the graynesS
Sunday, October 23, 2005
The Smiling Devil Therapist
Smiling Devil, Ph.D., Ms.D., RM., LCSW., LICSW., CCBT.
Somewhere, USA
Somewhere, USA
Come in
Sit down
I'll set the appointment with you, if you're late I'll charge you
If I'm late that's your loss
I'll arrive, no apology
Push a tablet of papers at you
If you take time to read the papers I'll have to charge
So just sign, okay?
In our time together
I'll laugh when you tell me about your twisted childhood
I'll lack sympathy for the devastation your mother caused
I'll tell you to buck up
The world is what you make of it
Oh yes, call me Dr. Devil ... I have a Ph.D
Tell me your addiction
Whisper it, we can work on it
"Oh that's your addiction ... you go girl."
Said while I laugh at you
I want my money
NOW
I KNOW your insurance plan, not you
You simple crazy fat man
$1,000 a month from the government?
That's plenty for you to live on
Pay my fee NOW
I'll call you
Tell you pay my bill or they'll take your car away
They'll cancel your insurance policy
You'll regret this
I'm going to a collection agency with this
You'll have to pay more
Got your pitiful letter you simple crazy fat man
$25.00 a month to pay off your $600 bill?
NO
It's all or nothing
I sent you an email
I want MY money
I want it NOW
And I will use info disclosed in your sessions to get it
I suggest that you stop using your resources on your
addition as you previously disclosed and that you pay
your account off.
Trust
such a simple word
but so easy to violate
Betrayal
once broken can it ever be
repaired?
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Time Lost
When hope is lost, what is left?
Forgotten memories of dreams left undone
Gratification in life without meaning
When hope is lost, what is left?
A shell without tomorrow
Another day the same as the day before
When hope is lost, what is left?
Contentment with the same
Withdrawal into the known
When hope is lost, what is left?
Missing words to questions
Pretense for their sakes
When hope is lost, what is left?
Belief merely in the history of years gone by
Trapped in a fog of recollections
When hope is lost, what is left?
A fragile soul
Cracked and bleeding for eyes unseen
The long wait
An inevitable end.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Lithium & Paxil
What's it like to forget to take psychiatric meds?
- Dizziness
- Brain freeze (i.e., imagine moving your head and it taking awhile for your brain to catch up)
- Heart palpitation
- Ear Ringing
- Insomnia
- Dreaming
- I need massive amounts of water ... Poland Spring Water to be exact.
- My mother and I have a coherent conversation about my life!!!
- My partner David and I vacation at a Grecian style hotel where there is a huge pool encircling and flowing through the room. Our visit is cut short by the arrival of the Polka Music King and Queen (?)
- I find a kitten, a beautiful little kitten that someone has taken a knife to, her genitals have been butchered. The bleeding kitten dies in my hands.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Haunted
Words by: POE
From the Album: Haunted
Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...
Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing
And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head
Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...
Don't cry,
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing
And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head
Hallways... always
I'll always love you
I'll always need you
I'll always want you
And I will always miss you
Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...
Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears
I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
(By the promises I've made)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune
Ba da pa pa...
Father :
What is it Annie?
Daughter :
You think I'll cry? I won't cry!
My heart will break before I cry!
I will go mad.
Sometimes, no matter how hard I try
The past continues to snap at my heels
Forgiveness I've given to them
Cannot extend it to myself
I try to hold on to hope
That someday I will be whole
Today it doesn't feel so close.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Developing a personal style?
9th Grade
Didn’t even know there were right clothes
Just invaded my father’s closet
Wore whatever I could find
Picking out overalls
My eyes sparkled
That would be my style
No idea
Think I wore sweaters all the time
I remember watching him
That popular boy
Floating from table to table in the cafeteria
Ease and confidence
Ease and confidence
Like a shining beacon it came to me
I knew how
It’s my clothes
Change my personal style
Nike leather with red stripe
Levi jeans
Izod pink
Wear my new clothes
I will get noticed and loved
It’s awful brother sweat is even worse
The pink Izod turned a dark purple
Someone told me it looked like I took a shower
I never wore that Izod again
Thursday, September 29, 2005
October 2005 in Connecticut
Beginning on
The
Carmela Apuzzo, a justice of the peace in
"This has nothing to do with religion," she said. "It’s a contract. I will definitely encourage other people to think of it like that."
Source: http://www.365gay.com/newscon05/09/092605conUnions.htm
If religious beliefs are so imperative to a group of these
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Edge of Seventeen
Packaged as entertainment
Celluloid truth in just under 2 hours
Not this writer’s truth, but surely someone out there
A school system
In the conservative
Seeking to go unnoticed
Ridiculed, finger pointing a daily occurrence
Sub-level humans to avoid at all cost
Wasted time
Time forever lost
By ignorance, bullying and homophobia
Grade school
A white line painted across the playground
Boys on one side
Girls on the other
Gender identity brings a painful path
Yet another place
Of impossible hope
Punishable time
Thankfully passed
Adults unavailable, a child alone
Junior High
A private school
Hopes for the soul stains to disappear
A sledgehammer to a jewel of innocence
Cruelty in abundance
Humiliating episodes performed daily
Skits without lines for the injured
Self preservation believed to be a coward’s title
Time without indignation
A portrait painted by self-hatred
High School
Whispers loudly spoken
Cringing jokes
Laugh along, maybe you’ll belong
The clock runs down
Must escape
Wasted time
Time forever lost
By ignorance, bullying and homophobia
Sunday, September 11, 2005
September 11, 2001
Catherine P. Salter
Aon Risk Services, Inc.
2 World Trade Center (South Tower)
Floor 101
Aon Risk Services, Inc.
2 World Trade Center (South Tower)
Floor 101
Monday, September 05, 2005
Government keeps on rolling
A broken heart
A nation cries
A man sits in his office
Even in the face of
death and destruction
He manuevers
He plots
He puts in place
The arm of his foolhearted self
Chief Justice John Roberts?
Stop the liberal Justice John Paul Stevens
From making the decisions
Keep the government running
Forget the people
Particularly the poor and dying
Government just keeps on rolling
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Unable to mobilize
Have watched in shock
Mind unable to grasp
Richest nation
Unable to mobilize
Bodies floating
Old man dead in a chair
Stuck on rooftops for days
Hospital staff long forgotten
Decide who will live
A mother cries
A father asks why
Children without parents
Parents without children
Richest nation
Unable to mobilize
Friday, August 26, 2005
Welcome to the world
In the midst of chaos
War and death surround us
Liars lie and thieves steal
A gift is given
A child is born
Reminding us of the hope and promise
that life can give
The eyes of a new-born
whisper that perhaps all is not lost
Her tiny little soul choose this time and place
to make her reappearance
I HAVE TO believe she knows
more than you or I do.
Kamdyn Janae
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
What THEY had to say ... not so long ago
Quotes from Republicans when Clinton committed troops to Bosnia:
“You can support the troops but not the president.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Well, I just think it’s a bad idea. What’s going to happen is they’re
going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20 years.”
–Joe Scarborough (R-FL)
“Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may
come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their life?”
–Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99
“[The] President . . . is once again releasing American military might
on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit
strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will
cost. And he has not informed our nation’s armed forces about how long they will be away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound foreign policy.”
–Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)
“American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery. Simply put, the
administration is trying to lead the world with a feel-good foreign
policy.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they
have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy.”
–Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of George W Bush
“I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the beginning . . I
didn’t think we had done enough in the diplomatic area.”
–Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)
“I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches us that it
is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just
learning that lesson right now. The President began this mission with
very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month later, these questions are still unanswered. There are no clarified rules of engagement. There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition of victory. There is no contingency plan for mission creep. There is no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our
over-extended military. There is no explanation defining what vital
national interests are at stake. There was no strategic plan for war
when the President started this thing, and there still is no plan
today”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Victory means exit strategy, and it’s important for the President to
explain to us what the exit strategy is.”
–Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)
“You can support the troops but not the president.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Well, I just think it’s a bad idea. What’s going to happen is they’re
going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20 years.”
–Joe Scarborough (R-FL)
“Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may
come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their life?”
–Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99
“[The] President . . . is once again releasing American military might
on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit
strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will
cost. And he has not informed our nation’s armed forces about how long they will be away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound foreign policy.”
–Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA)
“American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery. Simply put, the
administration is trying to lead the world with a feel-good foreign
policy.”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they
have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy.”
–Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of George W Bush
“I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the beginning . . I
didn’t think we had done enough in the diplomatic area.”
–Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)
“I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches us that it
is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just
learning that lesson right now. The President began this mission with
very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month later, these questions are still unanswered. There are no clarified rules of engagement. There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition of victory. There is no contingency plan for mission creep. There is no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our
over-extended military. There is no explanation defining what vital
national interests are at stake. There was no strategic plan for war
when the President started this thing, and there still is no plan
today”
–Rep Tom Delay (R-TX)
“Victory means exit strategy, and it’s important for the President to
explain to us what the exit strategy is.”
–Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
The Hunting of the President
There is a documentary entitled
"The Hunting of the President"
It is a chilling look at the lengths
The right-wing party will go
To destroy the presidency of a man
Perceived as far to popular
One need only to look into the eyes of
These right-wing party members to
See the depth of their black souls
A ten-year campaign
To uncover
A bit of dirt
A piece of half-truth
Something to discredit the President
In these days of awful right-wing control
View this film
Watch and listen as the right-wing
Lead the courts
Spun the media
And lied to the American people
An impeachment of President Clinton
Was not the end result
But they gained so much more
Skip to the present day
We watch a military action
Based in lies
Unfold before our eyes
A man sits in the Whitehouse
And tells us Iraq is a better place now
Yet the people of Iraq are afraid
Simply leaving their home
Could cost them their very life
Civil unrest rules the streets
The borders are unprotected
Iraq has become a training ground for terrorists
When will supporting our troops
Mean BRINGING THEM HOME?
When will being a proud American
Mean taking a stand against a
Corrupt administration?
See the documentary
Judge for yourself.
"The Hunting of the President"
It is a chilling look at the lengths
The right-wing party will go
To destroy the presidency of a man
Perceived as far to popular
One need only to look into the eyes of
These right-wing party members to
See the depth of their black souls
A ten-year campaign
To uncover
A bit of dirt
A piece of half-truth
Something to discredit the President
In these days of awful right-wing control
View this film
Watch and listen as the right-wing
Lead the courts
Spun the media
And lied to the American people
An impeachment of President Clinton
Was not the end result
But they gained so much more
Skip to the present day
We watch a military action
Based in lies
Unfold before our eyes
A man sits in the Whitehouse
And tells us Iraq is a better place now
Yet the people of Iraq are afraid
Simply leaving their home
Could cost them their very life
Civil unrest rules the streets
The borders are unprotected
Iraq has become a training ground for terrorists
When will supporting our troops
Mean BRINGING THEM HOME?
When will being a proud American
Mean taking a stand against a
Corrupt administration?
See the documentary
Judge for yourself.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Memories: Six Days
six days
until I reenter the world
of my childhood
dysfunction
lies
abuse
she says to protect yourself
be prepared to say "NO"
to leave when my body
tells me to
i wonder if the meds
will be working then
lithium
seroquel
effexor
xanax
at the very least one
should help
not much to ask, is it?
memories of a
twisted mother
love one moment
hatred the next
a father who despised
my very existence
SISSY!
FAT BOY!
his terms of endearment
for me
a brother who wisely
stayed away from home
a church rolled into a
big family that taught
self-hatred
inability to love
all among the running
in the aisles
six days
until I reenter the world
of my childhood
dysfunction
lies
abuse
she says to protect yourself
be prepared to say "NO"
to leave when my body
tells me to
i wonder if the meds
will be working then
lithium
seroquel
effexor
xanax
at the very least one
should help
not much to ask, is it?
memories of a
twisted mother
love one moment
hatred the next
a father who despised
my very existence
SISSY!
FAT BOY!
his terms of endearment
for me
a brother who wisely
stayed away from home
a church rolled into a
big family that taught
self-hatred
inability to love
all among the running
in the aisles
six days
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Healthcare
Healthcare
How do you define less than stellar mental healthcare?
Therapists with bleached blonde hair.
Therapists who utter "Chao" instead of goodbye.
Therapists who wear thumb rings.
Therapists who say you are wrong about the benefits of your healthplan.
Theapists who are 35 minutes late for an appointment.
Therapy offices with folding chairs.
Psychiatrists who prescribe the wrong med because they confused you with someone else.
APRN's that diagnose conditions and then say some other person did it.
A bit severe?
Perhaps
But not in my little corner of the universe.
How do you define less than stellar mental healthcare?
Therapists with bleached blonde hair.
Therapists who utter "Chao" instead of goodbye.
Therapists who wear thumb rings.
Therapists who say you are wrong about the benefits of your healthplan.
Theapists who are 35 minutes late for an appointment.
Therapy offices with folding chairs.
Psychiatrists who prescribe the wrong med because they confused you with someone else.
APRN's that diagnose conditions and then say some other person did it.
A bit severe?
Perhaps
But not in my little corner of the universe.
Friday, May 06, 2005
wAiT
Another day
more changes
drop xxxx to 100 mgs
increase xxx to 100 mgs
and wait
wait to see if my system
can handle it
wait to see if my brain
will react in the right way
wait
wait
wait
maybe it's not the drugs
maybe it's the depression
she says so casually
huh? i whisper dumbfounded
aren't all these drugs suppose
to control the depression?
no reply
in my mind's eye
i see them
altering and creating
moving and evolving
making it all better
when will it be?
today is not just another day
why can't it be THE day
THE day when I will
work correctly
when all the wires
will pass the impluses
fire accordingly
and release the proper chemicals
wait
wait
wait
Another day
more changes
drop xxxx to 100 mgs
increase xxx to 100 mgs
and wait
wait to see if my system
can handle it
wait to see if my brain
will react in the right way
wait
wait
wait
maybe it's not the drugs
maybe it's the depression
she says so casually
huh? i whisper dumbfounded
aren't all these drugs suppose
to control the depression?
no reply
in my mind's eye
i see them
altering and creating
moving and evolving
making it all better
when will it be?
today is not just another day
why can't it be THE day
THE day when I will
work correctly
when all the wires
will pass the impluses
fire accordingly
and release the proper chemicals
wait
wait
wait
Another day
Thursday, May 05, 2005
drugs
drugs to control
drugs to manage
drugs to feel alive
drugs to chase the shadows away
drugs
effexor
used to to relieve symptoms of depression,
generalized anxiety disorder,
and social anxiety disorder (social phobia)
dosage: 300 mgs per day
seroquel
used to treat the symptoms of psychotic conditions,
including hallucinations, delusions, and confusion.
dosage: 125 mgs per day
lamictal
the exact way the drug works is unknown.
However, it is believed that it affects chemicals
in the brain involved in seizures and in bipolar disorder.
dosage: 50 mgs per day
xanax
used to relieve anxiety, nervousness,
and tension associated with anxiety disorders,
also used to treat panic disorders.
dosage: 1 mg as needed
lithium
used to treat manic episodes of manic-depressive illness.
Lithium helps to prevent and control symptoms of mania
such as hyperactivity, rushed speech, poor judgment,
reduced need for sleep, aggression, and anger.
dosage: 600 mgs per day
drugs
drugs to control
drugs to manage
drugs to feel alive
drugs to chase the shadows away
drugs
drugs to control
drugs to manage
drugs to feel alive
drugs to chase the shadows away
drugs
effexor
used to to relieve symptoms of depression,
generalized anxiety disorder,
and social anxiety disorder (social phobia)
dosage: 300 mgs per day
seroquel
used to treat the symptoms of psychotic conditions,
including hallucinations, delusions, and confusion.
dosage: 125 mgs per day
lamictal
the exact way the drug works is unknown.
However, it is believed that it affects chemicals
in the brain involved in seizures and in bipolar disorder.
dosage: 50 mgs per day
xanax
used to relieve anxiety, nervousness,
and tension associated with anxiety disorders,
also used to treat panic disorders.
dosage: 1 mg as needed
lithium
used to treat manic episodes of manic-depressive illness.
Lithium helps to prevent and control symptoms of mania
such as hyperactivity, rushed speech, poor judgment,
reduced need for sleep, aggression, and anger.
dosage: 600 mgs per day
drugs
drugs to control
drugs to manage
drugs to feel alive
drugs to chase the shadows away
drugs
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
The beginning ...
The first entry:
Okay, so I am so new to this. I haven't even really read many blogs to know what people write about. So, to say the least I haven't followed any other blogs.
The purpose:
The main reason I am doing this to just have somewhere to chronicle my thoughts, fears, and ramblings. I want this to be a place where I can really talk about whats going on in my life. Or even yet to express how I feel about what's going on in the world at the moment.
Details about me:
I am a late thirtysomething gay man living in New England. I have a partner and a home. We have been together for 8 years. I am disabled for just under 3 years now. I am a survivor of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and spiritual abuse. I have depression, PTSD (big surprise) and am agoraphobic.
Latest events in my life:
On Monday, January 31 I received word that my claim for disability was being terminated by the insurance company that handles the LTD claims for the company I formerely worked at. To say that this news was unsettling to me is quite an understatement. Things have been quite hard since. I am currently in the midst of a depression. It's hard to function right now.
Even though the government, my therapist and my psychiatrist all believe I am unable to return to work these insurance bastards believe otherwise. Of course, they had their own doctor do a review of my case and he believes that I can go back to work. They don't take into consideration that my sleep patterns are anything but normal. That I spend several days a week non-fuctioning and that without meds things would be even worse.
Their decision to deny my claim means that I loose a pitiful check each month, health insurance, life insurance and retirement benefits. The even generously suggested that I seek employment in phone sales from my home ... The depth of compassion is just overwhelming.
Okay, so I am so new to this. I haven't even really read many blogs to know what people write about. So, to say the least I haven't followed any other blogs.
The purpose:
The main reason I am doing this to just have somewhere to chronicle my thoughts, fears, and ramblings. I want this to be a place where I can really talk about whats going on in my life. Or even yet to express how I feel about what's going on in the world at the moment.
Details about me:
I am a late thirtysomething gay man living in New England. I have a partner and a home. We have been together for 8 years. I am disabled for just under 3 years now. I am a survivor of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and spiritual abuse. I have depression, PTSD (big surprise) and am agoraphobic.
Latest events in my life:
On Monday, January 31 I received word that my claim for disability was being terminated by the insurance company that handles the LTD claims for the company I formerely worked at. To say that this news was unsettling to me is quite an understatement. Things have been quite hard since. I am currently in the midst of a depression. It's hard to function right now.
Even though the government, my therapist and my psychiatrist all believe I am unable to return to work these insurance bastards believe otherwise. Of course, they had their own doctor do a review of my case and he believes that I can go back to work. They don't take into consideration that my sleep patterns are anything but normal. That I spend several days a week non-fuctioning and that without meds things would be even worse.
Their decision to deny my claim means that I loose a pitiful check each month, health insurance, life insurance and retirement benefits. The even generously suggested that I seek employment in phone sales from my home ... The depth of compassion is just overwhelming.
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